Though I never met Paul’s dad, I heard stories about him being a French boxer; Paul’s mom was Mexican and devout in her Baptist faith, encouraging Paul to follow in his younger days. She took Paul to church and shared Bible stories with him which led to Paul having a solid understanding of the Bible, its stories, its characters, and the message of Jesus. I would venture to say that his understanding at a heart level is deeper than most people that profess to be followers of Christ. 

It was known among our skateboard/music community that Paul was tough. He wasn’t mean and didn’t look for trouble, but he is perhaps one of the most protective people I’ve ever known. Paul loves hardcore music in all of its passion that is often misunderstood for anger and aggression. Paul has been a part of this music scene for longer than I’ve known him and has been involved in numerous bands. There is a specific style of “dancing” that comes with hardcore music and Paul has a reputation in the “pit” –  it was common knowledge to stay as far from Paul as possible when he was dancing. Some guys dance in an attempt to hit other people to prove something… not Paul though. He danced like he was getting what was bottled up on the inside to the outside – expressing things that that had nowhere else to go.

In 1997/98 when I began to skate with this legend, Paul and I managed different skate shops in our town. His was core, and the Ardmore (a neighborhood packed with good skaters) kids shopped at his shop and we got the leftovers, but we were in the mall so we got tons of traffic. Our friend groups overlapped but we hadn’t spent much time together. When the shop that Paul managed closed down, it was obvious to us that we wanted him on our team where I worked. It was sick… we skated together, worked together, and went to some shows together to support our favorite bands. Paul is as tough as they come –  he once called me on a Saturday morning from a skatepark (that our friend Barry owned) to tell me he might be late to work. Paul had broken his collarbone skating that morning and was going to have it checked on his way to work. I told him it was cool to miss the shift if he needed to but when his shift started at 1pm, Paul was at the shop, ready to go after a couple of ibuprofen.  

The stories I’d heard about Paul being a passionate person in skating, his Krishna faith, music, and treating people fairly, were all being lived out in front of me. If I made a questionable life choice, Paul would let me know, and would share some wisdom with me. Paul became the calm-in-the-storm, cool, supportive, encouraging, loyal, kind, and an honest friend to me. Even now, he checks in on me at exactly the right time.

Paul ended up marrying someone that my wife and I had known for many years. This meant that now our families would join in our long term friendship, which has been a gift. Through the years Paul and I have had different jobs, different schedules, and we’ve lived in different states. Though distance makes it hard to hangout regularly, I am thankful for technology that makes it easy to text and call each other whenever possible.

Change it: “be the change you wish to see in the world” this quote comes from Ghandi.

My work sometimes brings frustration. After all, I work with people all the time, and they tend to be church people. I work with all types of people; people with little and people with a lot; people with it all together and people with no idea what’s happening or how to change it; people with addictions and people that claim to not be addicted to anything; young people and old people; the self righteous people and the people who are awesome and fun to be around. In a conversation over tacos one night on a visit to NC, I was complaining to Paul (likely centered around self-righteous-folks or some frustration with others in my profession that I get lumped in with… this demographic tends to rub me the wrong way more often than anyone else). In that conversation, I was talking about leaving my profession, but instead of encouraging me to follow through with that desire, Paul responded with the basic idea from the Ghandi quote above, “Change it.” Paul encouraged me to make as much change as I could with the influence that I have because change was/is needed in western church leadership.

Absolute truths …according to preachers:

At some point in the last 10 years or so – not long after the “change it” conversation – I heard someone speaking from a stage that was using verbiage that bothered me (more than normal). I couldn’t get past it. This person was speaking to 100’s of people saying things that I call “absolute truth phrases” to the effect of, “God can’t, God won’t, or God will never”. I found great arrogance/maybe ignorance in these statements; a tiny little human speaking for the being that we believe is all powerful, omnipresent, all knowing, and this person was making choices for what God is, or is not, capable of. 

I discuss things that bother me with Paul because he has always been a safe place to work out what’s bothering me. Sometimes it’s not what’s bothering me, it’s people I’m associated with professionally that bother me the most… this was one of those times. In our conversation, it became evident that my view of God and Paul’s view of God (the divine) was much larger/broader than that of the person making the problematic statements. Paul and I found that we agreed on the statement, “God can do/not do whatever they want, and they can do it however they want” 

Basically, the methods of connecting with us and coming close to us could look differently according to what the individual needs or is receptive to. 

During my time on staff at multiple churches, Paul has encouraged me in my work, not because he questioned his own place but because he knew my role in bringing change to what the church has become known for was important to me and those I had influence with for the future of the faith I chose to follow nearly 22 years ago.

A goal of mine has been to change the way people (unchurched/ dechurched/ interested/ uninterested) see God because of how I live my life… to make God more interesting/accessible/less mean than what many of us have been taught. 

In the summer of 2012 I was in a youth conference 1500 miles away from Paul when I got the news that Paul’s mom passed away after a long struggle with her health. Though I’m not sure I ever met her, I sat with tears streaming down my face from the news of Paul losing his mom. I was heartbroken that Paul had now lost both parents.

Paul has become one of my closest friends, and I would even call him brother. 

Without the years of conversations I’ve had with Paul from our early 20’s, all the way until now in our mid 40’s, I don’t believe I would have as much care and concern for other people… and I believe my view of God is much bigger or wider, and deeper than it may have otherwise been because of  the conversations Paul and I have shared over the last 20+ years. 

Paul has never tried to get me to follow the teachings of Krishna, although I’m sure many people have tried to convert Paul to Christianity. Many folks that grew up in a church setting were taught that people in different belief systems weren’t okay to get close to. 

In our conversations, Paul asks me about what I’m up to in my role, shares excitement about cool things that are happening and concern for situations that aren’t helpful (pastors saying and doing crazy things). 

I didn’t realize when we started hanging out the benefit of having a friend like Paul. I found a wonderful human that I had something in common with (skating, music, lifestyle), and ended up with a lifelong friend (one of my best friends) that has greatly impacted my life. 

What do you want me to do with this story, Chip?

I want you to take personal action and think through some questions for yourself

1. Who do you have in your life that is a safe outside voice to discuss the important topics? 

-Do all of your people think/talk/act/believe/vote like you? 

-How frequently do you talk about the topics that aren’t surface level fluff?

2. If you don’t have a friend in your life (like Paul), what can you do to identify a few people to get to know?

I feel certain in promising you that being open to befriending someone that you think may be far from you in virtually every way, will only improve your life. I encourage you to lay down your fears, preconceived ideas, and stories of “your friend that knew a guy that…” and find a new friend to learn about. This isn’t an invitation to have a new project friend to convert, but to create new friendships that will challenge, deepen, encourage, and change your life… if you let it. 

If you’re nervous, apprehensive, not sure where to start, I’d love to help you however I can.